The American Adventure - Vol 26

1 - 31 July 99

If you want to go straight to Vol 27, you may do so now!

...

We got back from Sweden on 3 July, at about eight in the evening. Meike came and picked us up, which was much nicer than having to fuss with a taxi. Not that getting to the airport wasn't without a problem, not for us but for Meike. She had managed to lock her keys in the house. Eventually she remembered that we had given a set to a neighbour who looked after Tasha for a few days. The only problem was she didn't know which neighbour. After knocking on a few doors she found the right one and was able to get it all together. All we knew at the time was that she was dutifully waiting for us just beyond customs.

Kajsa worked on Independence Day and was appalled when she got in. The shoe department, for which she is responsible, was a complete disaster. Part of the reason for this was that she had not been there for a full fortnight but it was also that during the time she was away they started preparing for the busiest period of the year for shoes. August is the shoe department's equivalent of the Christmas period.

She also returned to the news that lots of staff were leaving, including her assistant supervisor. They were all going on to greater things though; university, college and the Navy. Well, perhaps they weren't all going to greater things. Despite all the people leaving, Kajsa was only getting one part-timer to replace them all - a ratio of one for five. That means a lot of work for those who remain!

After dropping Kajsa at work on the Fourth, Tim took the kids to Safeway for an orgy of grocery shopping. On the way back home, they very nearly ran over a turtle on the road. As Meike has a thing about turtles, Tim got out and grabbed it to take home. It was just a long-necked turtle, not one of your snapping turtles, but it certainly was not as shy as others of his breed. He spent a lot of time trying to bite Tim.

When they got home, the turtle was the centre of a little excitement as Meike took some photos of it and the kids watched it (and Taltarni tried to stand on it). We saw that the neighbours were out so we thought that they would like to see the turtle and we took it over. There was some minor interest but they were a little preoccupied by the six foot long snake that was just about to crawl out of their yard and into ours. (Note that Tasha is probably less of threat than Kyle and Patrick). Fortunately our local snake expert was there and she assured us that it was not of a dangerous breed so Tim wasn't required to kill it.

What he did try to do was take a photo of it.

As mentioned before, they saw the snake just as it went into our back yard. Meike already had her camera out (to take photos of the turtle). Tim climbed over the side fence to get a shot of it. The snake, after crawling under the fence, went and hid in a bushy area. Tim crept under the bushes as well and tried to get a good photo but the snake was in the shadows. Tim got the idea of making the snake move out from under the bush, so he grabbed a stick and started bothering it. At first all the snake did was move backwards a little. Suddenly Tim realised that the snake wasn't really moving back, it was only pulling its head and forebody back. In other words, it was rearing, as if to strike. Just then, it rattled its tail. And hissed.

Bad word.

Tim dropped the stick.

The problem was that he was in the bushes with a snake that everyone thought was harmless but had just rattled at him (and he had dropped the stick). Now, he might have been making a big leap here, but he suspected that rattlesnakes rattle. Therefore a snake that looks like it might strike and is rattling at you, might be a rattlesnake. Bad word.

He didn't want to run away. Well, that's not completely true. He did want to run away, but he didn't want to leave a dangerous snake in the backyard which might attack Tasha or one of the kids. Unfortunately, he was by himself. If he ran away, the snake would crawl off somewhere. If he stayed, it might decide to strike. Okay. Okay, okay. Snakes are deaf. Therefore shouting won't bother it. Tim moved away a little and started shouting like buggery.

Eventually, he was able to get the attention of Carol (the snake expert) who assured him that the snake was harmless and that many snakes shake their tails to make a rattling sound and that a rattlesnake has a big box like rattle in the tail that gives it its name. Apart from that, another neighbour, Jim, had carried it and it hadn't done him any harm. So the rearing and rattling was just a big "harmless snake" bluff.

Once he climbed back over the fence, still feeling a little wobbly, Tim realised that Tasha had taken an opportunity, during the excitement, to run away. The rest of the afternoon was spent worrying about the fact that she had been away for such a long time on such a hot day (more than six hours). She had still not returned when he had to go pick up Kajsa from work. Kalle was almost hysterical.

Eventually Tasha did return but she was so excited that she wouldn't stay still and walk at heel with Tim. He got frustrated with her and picked her up by the scruff of her neck to drag her home, right past the very new neighbours who had moved in that weekend. Not a good first impression, made worse by the fact that Tasha carried on like she was being tortured.

As soon as he got her home, Tim realised that Tasha had some blood on her foreleg. He checked the area and came to the conclusion that she must have caught another chipmunk or some such (a deer, woodchuck, squirrel, duck, goose or some snack-sized dog). A little later, he realised that the blood was actually hers. With a closer inspection it became apparent that she had a few cuts and rips around her mouth, plus some holes that went straight through her lip. Nasty.

In the evening we went off for a picnic and to see the fireworks at Lake Fairfax. By the time we got there we could see that getting to the grounds of the park was going to be impossible so Tim found a disused road that had a good view of where the fireworks should have been. That's right "should have been". After setting up the car so that we could sit in the back later and watch the show, sitting down to a chicken and (non-alcoholic) champagne-style cider and getting the kids ready to see it all, precisely nothing happened. We were sitting there from just after nine until almost ten, hoping that there was just a minor problem that they would soon fix. Fortunately we were in a position where we could see fireworks in other areas so it wasn't a complete waste of time but it got really late, we were jet lagged and eventually the kids just wanted to go home. We never found out why the fireworks didn't happen. Pretty sad given that this was our last Fourth of July in the US.

The next couple of days were all pretty similar. Kajsa worked while Tim and the kids went to the Shouse Village pool with Meike and Hans, Petra and their kids. Apart from that, we generally slacked around and got back into time. Although Kajsa worked on the first couple of days, she had Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off. Tim took a couple of extra days off work. He had planned to go back to work on the Wednesday but it didn't seem that smart to go back just when Kajsa had three days off.

On Thursday, we went for a drive in the country. First we visited Crooked Run Orchard. Tim had read about "pick your own" berry places in one of the local papers and was keen to give the kids a chance to experience it. The closest was a little beyond Leesburg and on the way to various historical places. On the way, we engaged in a lengthy discussion about the Civil War (although we had to rehash the Revolutionary War first because Kalle was fixed on the war that had the King in it) and slavery. It was fortunate that we had only just been to Vevelsund and later spent some time picking berries because it helped Kalle understand that a lot of manpower would have been needed for farming before modern farm machinery was available. Another thing that helped, strangely enough, was Star Wars: Episode I.

In Star Wars: Episode I, for those hold-outs who haven't wasted their money seeing it yet, Anakin Skywalker is a slave and is the subject of a bet between his alien owner and the Jedi Master, Qui Con Jin (or whatever his name is). It certainly helped Kalle understand the concept of slavery. It also led to discussions about why good people let bad things happen (in the movie, the Jedi knights free Anakin, but not his mother). So, despite the disgustingly huge marketing effort associated with the film, it is not all bad.

Anyway, we got to the Orchard and had the whole place to ourselves. We just wandered around and picked raspberries and "black raspberries", which are not actually blackberries as we had previously suspected. It was very pleasant. We will try to get back and pick blackberries in August.

In the afternoon we went to Harpers Ferry. This is a little town on the banks of the Shenandoah and Potomac Rivers which had an important role in the Civil War. It was the place where John Brown (of the song "John Brown's body is a-lying in his grave") made his fame in a raid that some say sparked the War. John Brown was a fervent Abolitionist and wanted to initiate a revolt by slaves against their owners throughout Virginia. Harpers Ferry had a weapons factory and large store of weapons. The plan was to take over the town and make the arms available to slaves. It didn't work out the way John Brown expected (the slaves didn't obediently rise up) and he was captured by Marines who had been sent by the President to regain control of the town. When he was hanged shortly after, for sedition, treason and murder, he became a martyr.

The town was also fought over for a long time during the Civil War itself. It is a beautiful place and most worthy of a visit. We expected the kids to get sick of it after an hour but, as it was, we had to drag ourselves away two hours later so that we could get back in time for Kalle's Gym-Jam. All in all, it was an excellent day.

The next day was Kalle's birthday. Kajsa somehow persuaded Tim to get up early and take breakfast into Kalle so we could sing Happy Birthday and he could open his presents. Later in the morning (although still ridiculously early for a day off), we went to the water park with Petra, her cousin and Max and Hanna for a couple of hours. Then we took everyone to McDonalds for lunch. The excitement then continued at fever pitch with Disney's Tarzan. Kalle knew we were going to see something but right up until we got to the cinema, he didn't know what. It is not a bad movie, certainly watchable.

Kajsa went back to work again on Saturday, but not before we set up Kalle's new pool. The pool is a huge inflatable thing that has been killing large areas of grass on the front lawn. We can only leave it one place for a couple of days and you can't move it when it is full so there is a lot of time spent emptying and refilling it. Nevertheless, Kalle and Taltarni have had a lot of fun with it.

On Sunday Kalle and Tim went for a "screen test". Why? you might ask.

It started on Kalle's birthday when we were all walking up the street away from the cinema where we had just watched Tarzan. We were suddenly accosted by a talent scout. He asked if we liked movies ( - Ah, yes ...) and then asked if we wanted to be extras in a movie. (- Well, we suppose so.) He then gave us a card and said that we should go to an office building on Sunday morning at 10am.

We had a few surreal conversations with Kalle over the next couple of days as we struggled to make Kalle understand that actors appear in new movies and he couldn't arrange to appear in one of the movies he has already seen. He kept going on about the movies he wanted to be in and who he wanted to be (he wanted to be Kalle, so he would be providing the screenwriters with a bit of challenge). He also wanted to be in Tarzan which would be a bit of a problem, given that it was animated. Finally he wanted to be in Home Alone, after Tim pointed out that was the sort of movie he could be (it was an example of a live-action kids movie).

Anyway Tim and Kalle (Kajsa was at work and Taltarni was too young) went to check it out on the following Sunday. They got to the "Model 1" office building on time and joined a queue of aspiring stars (most of whom seemed to be Mexican). After a while a guy who seemed to be actively resisting the urge to unbutton his short to expose his hairy chest and big gold medallion came out. He went down the line and gave everyone a script. With the exception of Kalle, that is. Tim got given a cute little scene titled "Marvin the Cockroach". The action appeared to be an excellent opportunity for particularly poor acting.

Eventually, after edging slowly forward with the rest in the queue for about fifteen minutes or so, they were both let in to the first stage of the sausage machine of "actor management". They went into the foyer of agency where Kalle was also presented with a script (called "TV time") and Tim was given a bunch of forms to fill out.

The forms were silly enough to be fun. Especially when trying to fill them out for Kalle.

- What is your favorite TV show? "Batman Beyond"

- What is your favorite movie? "I think you know that, pappa."

- What is your favorite radio station? "What's a radio station?" - Hm, it's like when we are in the car and we listen to music and people talking, that's a radio station that we are listening to. "Oh, then ... a station that plays Batman music ... ?"

- What is your favorite magazine? - Batman, huh? "Yes pappa, Batman." - I detect a trend here.

- Who is your favorite actor? "What's an actor?" (... then, after an explanation, including a bit of talk about why you can't pick a cartoon character ...) "Oh, the guy who plays Robin then." (Lucky because Tim knew who that was [Chris O'Donnell] and, at the time, could not for the life of him remember the names of the actors who play Batman [Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer and Archibald Clooney].)

- Who is your favorite model? "What's a model?" - Ah, we'll just leave that blank, shall we?

After a short wait, another semi-evolved character called out for Tim and Kalle and they were finally told what was going to happen. All the people weren't being called up to be "extra" extras (the inconsequential people who populate the background in movies) but to try out to be "real" extras (the slightly less inconsequential people who sometimes have a line, like "Telegram for Mr Brown, telegram for Mr Brown").

They would be performing a role from the scripts in front of a camera. They had to be loud because there was no microphone. Then all the people in the batch were all given their roles and then they went through warm-ups. This basically consisted of shouting as loud as possible and practicing "cueing", that is following up on someone else's line. Then they were shuttled up to sit outside of one of the myriad screen-test rooms.

Tim and Kalle had practiced Kalle's little scene a few times, mostly because he would not have been confident to read it on the fly. By the time they got into the screen room where the camera was, Kalle had his part down pat. He did really well (much better than the two older girls he was acting with, but Tim might be biased) and he loved it.

Tim had a role which required him to shout and get all emotional so, as a parent, he was well qualified for the role (which included a wonderful bit where he storms off). The major problem he had was that his buddy cop was a Mexican woman ... who ... read ... her ... lines ... like ... this. The camera man was very show-biz like. "Wow, that was great, man, you are excellent, you were all great, wow."

After the camera work, they went off for photos and then a final little interview with an executive from the company. Believe it or not, they got the (a?) Senior Vice President, Elizabeth Presley (no relation). She made appreciative noises, said that Kalle was cute, made Tim sign some forms saying that he understood that there was little chance that he would be appearing in steamy scenes with Cathryn Zeta Jones (at least in the first movie) and set up a "screen-test review" meeting for the following evening when they would get to see the video and get some feedback.

Kalle was very impressed with it all. He was very excited with the idea of seeing himself on video in his first starring role.

That is why it was very sad the next day when they rang up and cancelled the meeting, promising to call back. They still haven't. It seems to be a case of "Don't call us. We'll call you." Tim plans to ring them up anyway to see if we can get a copy of Kalle's performance. It would be the least they could do.

We have a suspicion that, even if Tim and Kalle were fantastic actors, the lack of a greencard makes it pointless for the company to process them further. It seems that they won't be starring in any features at your local multiplex in the near future. Oh, well, it was fun to see how it all works and have the chance to dream for a while!

That evening, Tim made a startling discovery. Groundhogs are a little like prairie dogs. Tim took Tasha for a walk in the neighbourhood, across Route 7, through a graveyard, then past a little monastery (very modern) and over a soccer field. As he approached the end of the field, Tim noticed a little head poking up looking directly at him. A groundhog (or as Tim and Kalle say, a dirt-hogget). The groundhog didn't seem to be particularly afraid as Tim slowly approached. Eventually, some invisible point of no return was crossed and the groundhog dropped down and disappeared.

Tim walked directly to where the groundhog had been and found that the groundhog must have been poking his head out of a hole. Or at least was standing on his back legs like a prairie dog just near the hole. Being the curious fellow that he is, Tim went off a short distance, got Tasha to sit quietly (she went on the leash as soon as Tim saw the groundhog) and they waited for the groundhog to pop his head out again. Eventually Tasha got bored with this little game and started whining so they went wanding off. As they turned away, Tim saw why the groundhog had not poked its head out of the hole they had been watching. The groundhog had been behind them, sitting with its head poking out of a completely different hole and had probably been watching the crazy ground ape and his mutant wolf for the previous ten minutes or so.

On closer inspection, it became clear that there was a very large network of tunnels maintained by the groundhog(s) and around a dozen holes. Just like prairie dogs. (For those who are interested in such things, scientists have found that prairie dog "cities" can have millions of inhabitants and one city was found to be larger in area than a couple of the smaller American states combined.)

After that weekend, it was back to the normal grind for both of us and depression set in. Tim started to get keen about visiting museums at lunch, a quick walk there, fifteen minutes or so wandering around inside and then a quick walk back. He saw bits of the Holocaust Museum and the Natural History Museum before the heat took the edge off his enthusiasm. Perhaps he'll start again in late summer/autumn.

He did get a bit of a break from the monotony of sorting out the in-tray during the first week. He got to go off and play golf on the Wednesday. It was an excellent day, his game was okay, the weather was perfect and the surrounds were exceptional. The best part, as always, was the wild-life. This time he saw not only a rabbit, a handful of turtles, numerous squirrels and water fowl but also a fox. At one point the fox was little more than a metre away from the cart. Tim's partner for the round was a little concerned as he thought that, as the fox was out during the day, it might have been rabid. Tim suspects that it was just very used to people and was making the most of a cool day.

Meike's birthday was on the 15th. We were going to take her out for dinner at Champps, so that she could be inside before they started looking at IDs, but there was a hideous wait when we got there. Something like 45 minutes. The kids would have been driving us crazy if we had to wait that long. So, we wandered around instead to see if we could find an acceptable restaurant in the strip-mall. We decided on Sergeant Peppers.

Sergeant Peppers is a strange sort of place, not least because of the people in there. It almost seemed like we had stumbled on some sort of smörgåsbord worshipping sect. We have never seen so many people sit down in a restaurant and loudly and conspicuously say grace and/or pray. The food was nice, but well ... we paid for it. "Thank you Kohls and the Commonwealth of Australia for providing the cash that made the purchase of this food possible" probably wouldn't have gone down to well.

As some may have deduced, Sergeant Peppers is a buffet style restaurant. Nothing too flash but they had some nice salads which suited Meike fine (as a vegetarian) and the kids could have pizza and pasta so they were happy.

Unfortunately, we stayed there a little too long and when Meike tried to get into Champps (along with Kajsa who spontaneously decided to have a night out), they had started checking how old people were. Eventually she was able to sneak in, probably by borrowing some years from Kajsa and Petra (who also turned up). After all that fuss, the big event that they were going to Champps to partake in - Kareoke - wasn't on that night. Oh well, at least Meike no longer carries the stigma of being a teenager.

On Saturday, Kalle had two birthday parties, one for Matthew and the other for himself. During the morning, Kajsa did her wifely duties and mowed the lawn. Even though she is a veritable Sigourney Weaver when it comes to pushing the lawn-mower around, she still needed to call on "Crocodile" Tim when she came across a snake. (Another bloody snake! We don't see as many snakes in Australia!) Tasha, knowing that Tim would be distracted for a short while, made the most of it and got away again while he was chasing the invading reptile from the yard with a snow shovel (there had to be some use for it!)

Matthew's parents had done the same as us and had bid for birthday party entertainment at the Town and Country Spring Picnic. They won a pool party at the school, which they thankfully had from 11-1. We dropped Kalle off and raced home to set up for his party which would start at 4.

One thing that will never cease to amaze us is the amount of presents that are given and received by American kids. Not only did Matthew get an amazing pile of loot, but his parents got a not insubstantial present for everyone who attended the party. Ridiculous. Kalle got a deluge of gifts from his friends, some of which he has not yet played with (the gifts not his friends). Probably the best present Kalle got, in his opinion was "Mousetrap", the game where you build this strange contraption to catch a little plastic mouse. Tim really loved this game when he was around Kalle's age (and was bitterly disappointed when it got left in a summer house we had been staying in). This may mean that Kalle is damned to become an engineer when he gets bigger (engineers don't grow up, per se).

Anyway, as for the party, we had "won" Kalle a FitKids party in the Town and Country Spring Fair Silent Auction. FitKids is one of an increasing number of organisations that specialise in getting kids to play group games that aren't sports (or aren't quite sports). Remember the games that people of our generations (Kajsa is a Baby Boomer, Tim is in the Lost Generation, we're a trans-generational couple remember) used to play? Well, you can't just get a group of kids together and play them. It has to be facilitated. Controlled. Paid for. Still, the woman who came over kept the kids happy, running around, chasing balls and generally being entertained for a full hour so that all we had to do was get them to sit still long enough to feed them some gross pizza and chocolate cake (vanilla cup cakes for those who didn't like chocolate cake).

Taltarni was starting to get all snuffly again, so she stayed at home on Sunday, driving Tim mad as he tried to read the paper, while Kajsa and Kalle to the water park. In the evening we all went to the Kohls company spring picnic. This was a far more successful affair than the winter party, it was actually quite fun. People talked to each other, there was a game of volleyball (despite the heat) and there were the water fights. Somebody's daughter brought a couple of super-soakers and Kalle spent the most of the time either squirting a couple of teenage girls or being squirted by one or both of them. By the time we left, he was completely soaked. He could not have been wetter if he had leapt into the river.

Tim decided that he didn't want Kalle to get everything in the car wet, so we stripped him down before putting him in his seat. Kajsa was a bit concerned about what the locals, in their monster SUVs, would think if they looked down at a set of traffic lights and saw a little naked boy in the car next to them. We looked around in the car for a set of clothes but found nothing. Except for a hat.

-Here, said Kajsa, use this hat!

We set off. A short while later, Kajsa happened to look back at Kalle who, rather than using the hat to protect his more delicate parts, was happily wearing it on his head.

When we got back, we rushed the kids into bed and finally got out and tested out the bikes. We had a shortish ride around the neighbourhood and came to the conclusion that we had got ourselves an excellent pair of cycles. We might even go for a longer ride sometime when it gets a little cooler during the day.

The most important story all the following week was that JFK Jr was dead. All week. More than a week, actually. They had him on the front page for nine days straight. We got a little sick of it. Well, very sick of it. "Rich and famous guy dead doing stupid thing. - Manages to kill wife and sister-in-law in the process." There were even some Australians in the Embassy getting swept up in it.

"Oh, it's so sad, he was so young and had so much potential." - Oh, yeah. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to spend your time grieving for the guys in the office who died recently? (One of cancer, one by suicide.) There would have been a dozen people dying in the kilometre radius around the Embassy since the weekend and no-one cares about that. Some of them would have been younger than JFK Jr. I bet there is a kid out there in Washington who is dying right now. Do you care about that? "Oh but think about the tragedy the family has seen." Have you read the newspapers recently? When you dig a whole family, a dozen people, out of a mass grave, who were killed for no reason other than they prayed to their god in the wrong way, that's a tragedy.

The whole JFK Jr thing was a farce.

Tim spent the whole week reminding everyone that JFK Jr was still dead. The tragi-comedy was played out on the news each night with everyone trying to get their head on TV. There was an Admiral from the coast guard who seemed to be personally running the search effort. He was giving press briefings and being oh-so-serious about the efforts to locate the lost plane. The thing Tim wants to know is: will an Admiral give personal briefings if he drops out of the sky when flying a plane he is barely qualified to pilot? And in very unfavourable weather conditions? And he manages to kill two other people with his hubris? Don't think so. The best we can hope for is that people are honest in our eulogies - "Tim was a complete bastard." "Kajsa had long hair and questionable taste in men." That sort of thing.

There was a little extra dose of excitement in the Embassy on Tuesday. The emergency system alarm went off and there was an announcement "Will the owner of the black briefcase in the changerooms report to B1." A strange announcement, especially over the emergency announcing system.

Someone had reported that a large black briefcase had been sitting in the changeroom all day. It was actually a very large briefcase and as the changeroom is close to the garage, which is not a very secure area, it set off alarm bells. The next thing that happened was that the security guys called in the US Secret Service. (The Secret Service are responsible for the security of all Embassies as well as protection of US Government personnel.)

When the USSS turned up they were all ready to go, they wanted to start anti-bomb procedures right away, the first step of which was clearing the building. The new guy who is responsible for the day to day running of the Embassy thought that this was a little extreme and asked if anyone had tried to find out who the briefcase belonged to. Not as such.

The next step was the emergency announcement asking for the owner to come down to the basement level.

Hm, thought Tim, totally oblivious to all that had happened downstairs, that'll be the briefcase I left downstairs. I wonder what they want?

He was a little surprised to see that the Secret Service were crawling all over the place and that the Duty Officer's briefcase (for those who have difficulty making the mental leap, Tim was Duty Officer that week) was very close to being blown up. That would have been a little embarrassing. Tim got a mild dress down from the Consul General for the benefit of the USSS guys and then continued on with his day. The most amusing thing about it is that if they had been ten minutes later, Tim would have been off on his daily walk and no-one would have claimed the briefcase so KA-BOOM! Npw that would have been embarrassing.

For the next week or so, a handful of people just giggled when they saw Tim and took up the habit of calling him the Unabomber.

On Saturday we went to the Gates' farewell at Glenn and Vicki's house. It was a good show, excellent food as usual, but Kajsa was tired and had to work early the next day so we shunted off early. Both of us stayed sober, so from that angle the party was a complete failure. We hope that the Dohertys take note and ensure that steps are taken to remedy this sorry state of affairs for their next bash!

Meike, who was baby-sitting, took the kids to "Blockbusters" to get a couple of videos, one for the kids - The Land Before Time - and one for herself - The Faculty. During the following days the kids watched their video over and over again. They watched it four times on Sunday alone. By the end of it, the songs were sticking in our brains worse than "Dorothy, Dorothy, the dinosaur", which Taltarni sings all the time (along with actions like walking past you and waving, sometimes while pushing something like a box or her doll's pram).

The last week of July was very hot, a serious heatwave by American standards. Most days were close to 100 degrees farenheit which is mid to high 30s. They also went on and on about the drought. Look here bozos, the grass is green. When it's brown you can start to call it a drought. Heck, we'll give it to you if it ever turns a little yellow.

There were reports of people dying from the heat, but there was a suspicion (at least in Tim's mind) that anyone who died when it was hot, no matter whether they were going to die anyway, was counted as a heat-related death. One example was of a 75 year old who died when he turned on his heating instead of the airconditioning. A sad event but more likely old-codger-related than truly heat-related, if you think about it.

Kajsa subjected the kids to two very busy days in the middle of the week. On the first day they went to lunch at Cecilia's for a bit of an impromptu birthday party for Kajsa (another, rather younger, Kajsa who is a friend of Kalle's). The next day they went to DC for lunch at Chris' followed by Taltarni's session of Gym-Jam and then a visit to Helena and Thor-Björn's pool. Both days presented good opportunities for Kalle to practice his Swedish.

On the last day of the month, Kajsa took kids to Wolf Trap to see a puppet show. It was a rendition of Aladin (minus the Forty Thieves). When they came home they discovered that Rusty's air-conditioning had packed it in. The day was stinking hot so it was lucky that they didn't have to drive more than a couple of kilometres. It was certainly a bad time to lose the air-con. We are now forced to ferry the kids around in Baldrick until we can get it fixed.

When Kajsa got home, Tim rushed off with Kalle to yet another birthday party, this one at Chuck-E-Cheeses. Thankfully it was not necessary for parents to stay. "You can stay if you want!" - No, no, that's alright, I've got to go home to look after the other one!

We finished off the month like so many months, with Kajsa at work and Tim at home, looking after the kids.

A couple of asides:

Kalle and Taltarni are settled back into routines after the trip to Sweden. Taltarni went through a period of being very hard to put to bed. You put her down and she yells for a while. Then she goes quiet and you start to hear the patter-patter of little feet. Then the sound of something being dragged across the floor. Then the sound of something being dropped on the floor. Then the sound of Tim stomping up stairs. Then the sound of Tim yelling at Taltarni to go to back to bed, ok, go to sleep, ok, do you understand? Do you understand? Ok, natt natt, stay in bed. Then the sound of crying which eventually goes quiet and the cycle starts again. Sometimes she was still awake at half past ten. (She still has relapses but it's not that often now.)

The good news is that, although she is very much into getting all her books and putting them in her cot with her, she doesn't seem to destroy them anymore. One night, we woke up to the sound of a bang and a crash. Taltarni had woken up and was in the process transferring the contents of her book drawer to her bed. We took turns at yelling at her to go back to bed and go to sleep. She got back into bed but continued to shift stuff around. When Tim got up to do some up-close yelling at her, he realised why Taltarni was not lying down. There were books everywhere, she was sitting on the only bit of the mattress that was not buried! After everything was cleared away, she lay down and then we could all get some sleep.

Early in the month, Tim was told by the poster that he would be getting notice of his posting "by the end of the week". The end of the week came and went and there was nothing. In the middle of the following week Tim finally found out that the poster had gone on leave and would not be back until mid-August. So, no update on when we are going to return until then.

Talking about returning, there is something that we may actually start to miss when we get back. Something strange. Something that most people hate, that drives them to distraction but which allows us (well, not "us" - "Tim") the opportunity for never-ending creativity. Telemarketers.

Tim quickly learned a thing or two about telemarketers. The first is that they often use a computer to dial numbers and, when someone answers, the line gets handed off to a drone. Usually this pause is not noticeable, especially if you answer with "Hello is xxx xxxx, the master of the house speaking, how may I help you this fine day?" It is very noticeable if you answer with a short sharp "Speak!" Quite often Tim will start a phone conversation (after saying "Speak!" to the computer) with "You used a computer to call me didn't you?"

The other benefit of the short sharp greeting is that it puts them off their stride when there is a real person calling you. One such caller greeted Tim with "'Speak'? What sort of answer is that? 'speak'?" - It's how I answer the phone, who are you? "I'm Ms Wally from so-and-so and ..." - You're the reason I answer with "speak". Good-bye. CLICK. (Hint for telemarketers, abusing the potential customer is a bad start.)

Another bad start is to get the name wrong. "Hello is that Mr Wevel?" - There is no Mr Wevel here. Who are you?

Ditto with "Hello, Mrs Pyatt." Tim hates that.

A few of Tim's favorite conversations were recent. One was with a woman who called for the Washington Times (a local Republican leaning newspaper). After she said who she was calling for, Tim said "Oh, we're communists." The woman paused for a moment, said "Thank you!" and immediately hung up.

A short while later it was the turn of the New York Times. This time it was a very genial fellow who was trying to extoll the virtues of the paper. Tim slowly went through the reasons for not wanting to get the New York Times (he had some time to spare that afternoon). First and foremost was the point that we hardly get the time to read the paper we do get and were thinking of cancelling that one. "Excellent," he said, "you should certainly consider the New York Times as a replacement, we have a wonderful deal!" - But I live in Washington!

"Did you know, sir, that the New York Times is the Number One national paper?" - No, the USA Today is the biggest selling national paper.

"Let me look here. Aha, yes, were you aware, sir, that the New York Times has won, let me see, 42 Pullitzer Prizes. The Washington Post has won 18 and the USA Today, none." - Hm, so I've just told you that I don't have time to read the paper that I get and now you are telling me that the paper you want me buy, which I also won't have time to read, has articles that win prizes. So, rather than not reading ordinary articles, I'll be not reading excellent articles?

"How about the Sunday Times? (Then a long list of the all the bits that come in the Sunday Times)" - (starting to laugh) I've just told you that I don't have the time to read the paper and now you tell me that this paper that I don't want because I won't get around to reading, is huge and is jammed full of features all of which I'll never get around to reading? You're just making it worse.

Eventually the guy gave up. Tim was quite impressed with his persistence and complimented him on his efforts. "You did a fine job, sir."

One of the most recent was from a local doctors' group. "Mr Pyatt, we are ringing you this evening from so-and-so to offer you a full, complementary, medical check, including a bone density assessment!" - Wow, that sounds great! I'm pretty happy with my bones though. They're healthy and strong.

"Oh ... Is there anyone else in the household who may want to take advantage of this offer?" - What, you mean this wasn't an offer just for me? I'm not special?

"Well, your name came from a list." - I'm not special? Boy. I'm really hurt. You said you were offering it to me. Because I was special.

"Well, I'm sure you are special, sir." (Note: when they start to say "sir", you've usually got them.) - But the offer wasn't just for me?

"No, sir. Well, I really must be going. There are a lot of names on the list." - Are any of them special?

"I don't know about that. Bye, sir." - (sad) Yeah, bye. (then, muttering) He said I'm not special. CLICK.

We've been a little slack in previous months. Originally there was a plan to include a "Crazy Americans" bit in every volume. We've missed it most of the time. Not to worry. One day, when shopping, the cover of a newssheet (rhymes with "two-bit") caught Tim's eye. Yes, the ever popular "Weekly World News". Or, as it should be called, the "Weekly End of the World News".

Now some people may think that by releasing the information that we are about to release, in such a format, open to anyone, easily available to children and the frail of heart, are acting irresponsibly. This may be true so let us pass on the warning, which is found in large letters on the front page of the WWN.

"CAUTION TO READERS:

THE MESSAGE PUBLISHED INSIDE WARNS OF THE END OF THE WORLD AND MAY BE TERRIFYING TO SOME PEOPLE. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHEN SHARING IT WITH OTHERS.

WORLD WILL END IN YEAR 2000, WARN BIBLE SCHOLARS!"

Now the reason this newssheet caught Tim's eye was that everyone standing in the aisle was shaking and crying out with fear, one was even curled up into a fetal ball. And that was their response to the cover. (Admittedly the image of Nostradamus, which was found on the cover and lends a lot of credibility to the claims, may have been the final straw for some.)

Being a strong minded person, Tim was able to purchase the copy of WWN without going into hysterics, but it was close once or twice.

It is nice to know that these quality journals still maintain a little editorial balance. They may be announcing that the end of the world is nigh but that doesn't mean they have to drop the third page photo of the girl who, having no legs, gets to school with shoes on her hands. Or the page five chicky-babe in a skimpy bikini. Opposing the Page Five Girl was a disturbing article in which is was revealed that "UFOs are really angels", again according to the ubiquitous bible scholars.

In spite of the end of world predictions, probably the scariest article in the learned journal was the one on cats and dogs. According to noted alien researcher (we think that means he researches aliens, not that he is an alien who is also a researcher) Brad Steiger, one in five cats and dogs are descended from alien creatures about who were "seeded" on Earth 50,000 years ago. It would certainly explain the chihuahua (that one's a real bugger to spell).

There is a handy guide to help you "waltz through purgatory" (for those who spent too long looking at the Page Five Girl, presumably). One particularly helpful one is "Don't waste time flirting". Now, remember, you're in purgatory, you've got little red demons poking you in the rear end with pitchforks, its as hot as Hades (that's a given) and there you are, trying to remember all the helpful hints. One might stick in your mind :"No flirting." As the author points out, "purgatory is not a singles bar". (He obviously hasn't been to Washington where the reverse seems to certainly be true, that is single bars are purgatory.)

Finally (after pages of phone numbers for psychics [Find Love and Happiness], many articles with "gals" in the headline [HEY, gals! A trip to the dentist can make you pregnant! - Religious T-Shirt Gets Gal Tossed in Jail! - CHOMP! Man bites gal on the arm for refusing to give him her phone number! -Your internet dream gal may be a CHIMP!], a full page ad for a battery operated fly swatter and one for a CD by the world famous Irish Tenors), we get to the meat:

"THE COMING OF ... THE APOCALYPSE

LOS ANGELES: The end of the world is just around the corner. Any day now, Wall Street will collapse with a mighty thud (that will account for a lot of the gnashing of teeth), cataclysmic earthquakes will turn our planet to rubble, devastating diseases will kill a billion people in the blink of an eye and giant asteroids will collide with Earth, touching off searing firestorms and blotting out the sun for months at a time (so it will be a bit like England, but a lot warmer)!"

Now, while we admit that the WWN was not 100% correct when it came to weather predictions (not counting the terrible drought that might very shortly lead to people being restricted to one only watering of the lawn per day, no more than twenty to forty minutes worth), we think they are on the money here. Not only did they have Nostradamus on the front page but their source is impeccable. The Reverend Jim Bakker. Apparently the long days in jail (for milking $158 million out of the Praise the Lord ministries) allowed him to make an extensive study of the bible and he is now able to assure us that it is all over. He even had his own personal Revelation once, while on the way to record an interview with Larry King. Strangely enough, there was no address for sending money. You can, however, buy the book "Prosperity and the Coming Apocalypse: Avoiding the Dangers of Materialistic Christianity in the End Times" (as told by someone who didn't!)

So, you think, that's it. Nope.

First you go past a printed letter from Saddam Hussein denying that he is gay (a very likely story. What about the mustache, it's a dead give away), an article on a woman who wants her breasts back (she didn't actually lose them, she just had the reduced from 56 inches down to 37 and now she's not happy), an ad for t-shirts with old WWN headlines (BAT CHILD FOUND IN CAVE! - BAT CHILD ESCAPES! - 12 U.S. SENATORS ARE ALIENS! - ALIEN BACKS CLINTON! [it is not clear whether the particular alien in the photo was one of the 12 senators, it could have been the really old one, Yoda, no hang on, it's Thrummond or something like that] - WOMAN KILLED BY FUR COAT!) and a page which has two arresting headlines "People float in midair over mystery lake - where law of gravity doesn't exist" and "BULLETPROOF VEST SAVES WEREWOLF!"

Then you get to the real terror. "REPENT", it says, "or else!"

12 top clergymen, real ones, claim that the apocalypse is near. Famous, highly reliable clergymen like Rev Roger Cleypoole, Father Vincent Donatello (no relation), Father Janos Soltesz, Dr Jonathon Doering, Prof. Brian Kingsley, Rev. Edith Rodale, Dr Otto Kahn, Rev. Sandra Wayans (no relation), Dr Hamid Said (who happens to be Moslem), Prof Joan Merchen, Rabbi Herzi Rosenblum (it could be mentioned here that he is Jewish but it is pretty obvious when you have a name like Rosenblum) and Prof. Hong Tran Hoa (special envoy of the Dalai Lama to Vietnam). When you get a panel like that and they use irrefutable logic like "If that person (the Anti-Christ) was not Adolf Hitler, who could it be?" and inform us that "(t)he bible warns that in the weeks before the end of the world, images of the devil will begin to appear in millions of homes! His face will be etched into walls, doorways, ceilings and floors! (which will certainly clash with our décor, we don't know about yours)" you've got to go along with them.

The only problem with their testimony (well one of the many problems, to be honest) is that they all, absolutely every single one of them, look like they were born last century. It makes you wonder whether the end of the world they speak of might not be a very personal end. At least it seems that the Tibetan buddhists are a very pragmatic people. After the warning to accept Jesus as your very own savior, Professor Hoa is quoted as saying "Even if Jesus was not really God, there's no harm in hedging your bets!"

So, when it all happens next year, don't say we didn't warn you.

On a slightly serious note, doesn't anyone else wonder whether the bible scholars ever get sick of being proved wrong issue after issue? Oh, and there was no mention of Nostradamus in any of the articles. He must have only been on the front page as filler.