It was one day late in February
when the decision was finally made,
Santa no longer related to the kids,
his image was out of date.
"The beard must go" said the PR elf
"And put some Bollés on your face
"Some dye can replace the colour of your hair
"But there's nothing to be done for the mange!"
"You need to exercise more" said the elf
with a twinkle in his eye
"Look how jolly fat you are,
"My god, look at those thighs!
"It's time to give up heavy drinking
"and smoking is also out.
"It is time you got a girlfriend.
"We need a woman's touch about." (Just about here!)
 
So with swimming, running, cycling
and also doing gym,
with squash, aerobics, tennis
Santa slowly became thin.
He traded in his reindeer
at North Pole deluxe Cars,
got a red convertible Porche
(which he drove extremely fast.)
 
So with his brand new souped up sports car,
bright red hair and new physique,
he began to cruise the nightspots,
he began to cruise some chicks.
And so it was he came to meet one day
across a crowded disco floor,
a cutie by the name of Merry
who he'd love forever more. (Ahhhhhhh!)
He took her speeding in his Porche
showed her his enormous factory
and though quite nervous, shy and awkward,
he asked quite bravely:
"Er like, um, what I'm trying to ...
you see, we've known each other
for at least, oh, I'd say two stanzas
at least,
and well, oh heck,
will you marry me and be my
MERRY CHRISTMAS?!?!"

(PS Merry said "yes". After all a generous, warmhearted redhead like Santa [who has a convertible Porche] [and only works one day of the year] is a bargain bound to be snapped up by a sensible young lady. Living at the North Pole would be a bit of a problem but at least he's not in jail this year!)

 Ó WJTP Productions 1989