A few things the Lord Buddha did not say:

Those who are not with me, are against me, right up against me, rubbing themselves like a deranged kelpie.

The eye of the snake is low to the ground, but well positioned to look up the queen's sari.

The optimalisation of paradigmatic and aspirational outcomes is facilitated by the utilisation of maximal cogitational activity in circumstances of unequivocal equanimity.

I don't know why nobody likes me, I am so good.

and;

Hold these infidels down while I rub tiger balm on their testicles.

Most importantly, he never said:

 MERRY CHRISTMAS

He did say, however, and we paraphrase:

The most simple way to have all you want and more, is to want nothing at all.

We are helping you in this stage of your development and providing you with exactly what you would be best off wanting - that is, nothing!

Tim, Kajsa, Kalle and Taltarni

Ó Wevel-Pyatt Productions Unlimited 2001